im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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