I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
