It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
