i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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