i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
