Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
