If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
