So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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