Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I want to fling myself into the sun
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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