In the future we'll all be gay
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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