i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
