i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
