so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
