how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
