I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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