I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
