so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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