giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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