community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
