when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
