Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
