Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
