just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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