My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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