my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
