i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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