can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize