Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
where am i from again
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
