he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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