my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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