i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
