Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
