Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
