I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
