my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
