Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
