I wannas sexs uuuuu
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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