I have demons in me.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Randomize
