shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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