god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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