I want to make a zoo with you.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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