last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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