saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
