Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize