I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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