life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Two words: nipple clamps
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