The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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