Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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