We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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