god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
