I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
