Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
