Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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