Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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