I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
