Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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