Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
