Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
