like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
