i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize